Chapter 19 - Cleopatra, But Not Anthony
Aaron awoke in the morning feeling better, but still only a part
himself. The night alone had restored him. And the need to be alone
still was his greatest need. He felt an intense resentment against
the Marchesa. He felt that somehow, she had given him a scorpion.
And his instinct was to hate her. And yet he avoided hating her. He
remembered Lilly - and the saying that one must possess oneself, and be
alone in possession of oneself. And somehow, under the influence of
Lilly, he refused to follow the reflex of his own passion. He refused
to hate the Marchesa. He did like her. He did esteem her. And
after all, she too was struggling with her fate. He had a genuine
sympathy with her. Nay, he was not going to hate her.
But he could not see her. He could not bear the thought that she
might call and see him. So he took the tram to Settignano, and
walked away all day into the country, having bread and sausage in
his pocket. He sat for long hours among the cypress trees of Tuscany.
And never had any trees seemed so like ghosts, like soft, strange,
pregnant presences. He lay and watched tall cypresses breathing and
communicating, faintly moving and as it were walking in the small
wind. And his soul seemed to leave him and to go far away, far back,
perhaps, to where life was all different and time passed otherwise
than time passes now. As in clairvoyance he perceived it: that our
life is only a fragment of the shell of life. That there has been
and will be life, human life such as we do not begin to conceive.
Much that is life has passed away from men, leaving us all mere bits.
In the dark, mindful silence and inflection of the cypress trees,
lost races, lost language, lost human ways of feeling and of knowing.
Men have known as we can no more know, have felt as we can no more
feel. Great life-realities gone into the darkness. But the cypresses
commemorate. In the afternoon, Aaron felt the cypresses rising dark
about him, like so many high visitants from an old, lost, lost subtle
world, where men had the wonder of demons about them, the aura of
demons, such as still clings to the cypresses, in Tuscany.
All day, he did not make up his mind what he was going to do. His
first impulse was never to see her again. And this was his intention
all day. But as he went home in the tram he softened, and thought.
Nay, that would not be fair. For how had she treated him, otherwise
than generously.
She had been generous, and the other thing, that he felt blasted
afterwards, which was his experience, that was fate, and not her
fault. So he must see her again. He must not act like a churl.
But he would tell her - he would tell her that he was a married man,
and that though he had left his wife, and though he had no dogma of
fidelity, still, the years of marriage had made a married man of him,
and any other woman than his wife was a strange woman to him, a
violation. "I will tell her," he said to himself, "that at the bottom
of my heart I love Lottie still, and that I can't help it. I believe
that is true. It isn't love, perhaps. But it is marriage. I am
married to Lottie. And that means I can't be married to another woman.
It isn't my nature. And perhaps I can't bear to live with Lottie now,
because I am married and not in love. When a man is married, he is
not in love. A husband is not a lover. Lilly told me that: and I
know it's true now. Lilly told me that a husband cannot be a lover,
and a lover cannot be a husband. And that women will only have lovers
now, and never a husband. Well, I am a husband, if I am anything.
And I shall never be a lover again, not while I live. No, not to
anybody. I haven't it in me. I'm a husband, and so it is finished
with me as a lover. I can't be a lover any more, just as I can't be
aged twenty any more. I am a man now, not an adolescent. And to my
sorrow I am a husband to a woman who wants a lover: always a lover.
But all women want lovers. And I can't be it any more. I don't
want to. I have finished that. Finished for ever: unless I become
senile - -"
Therefore next day he gathered up his courage. He would not have had
courage unless he had known that he was not alone. The other man was
in the town, and from this fact he derived his strength: the fact that
Lilly was there. So at teatime he went over the river, and rang at
her door. Yes, she was at home, and she had other visitors. She was
wearing a beautiful soft afternoon dress, again of a blue like chicory-
flowers, a pale, warm blue. And she had cornflowers in her belt:
heaven knows where she had got them.
She greeted Aaron with some of the childish shyness. He could tell
that she was glad he had come, and that she had wondered at his not
coming sooner. She introduced him to her visitors: two young ladies
and one old lady and one elderly Italian count. The conversation was
mostly in French or Italian, so Aaron was rather out of it.
However, the visitors left fairly early, so Aaron stayed them out.
When they had gone, he asked:
"Where is Manfredi?"
"He will come in soon. At about seven o'clock."
Then there was a silence again.
"You are dressed fine today," he said to her.
"Am I?" she smiled.
He was never able to make out quite what she felt, what she was
feeling. But she had a quiet little air of proprietorship in him,
which he did not like.
"You will stay to dinner tonight, won't you?" she said.
"No - not tonight," he said. And then, awkwardly, he added: "You know.
I think it is better if we are friends - not lovers. You know - I don't
feel free. I feel my wife, I suppose, somewhere inside me. And I
can't help it - -"
She bent her head and was silent for some moments. Then she lifted her
face and looked at him oddly.
"Yes," she said. "I am sure you love your wife."
The reply rather staggered him - and to tell the truth, annoyed him.
"Well," he said. "I don't know about love. But when one has been
married for ten years - and I did love her - then - some sort of bond
or something grows. I think some sort of connection grows between
us, you know. And it isn't natural, quite, to break it. - Do you
know what I mean?"
She paused a moment. Then, very softly, almost gently, she said:
"Yes, I do. I know so well what you mean."
He was really surprised at her soft acquiescence. What did she mean?
"But we can be friends, can't we?" he said.
"Yes, I hope so. Why, yes! Goodness, yes! I should be sorry if we
couldn't be friends."
After which speech he felt that everything was all right - everything
was A-one. And when Manfredi came home, the first sound he heard was
the flute and his wife's singing.
"I'm so glad you've come," his wife said to him. "Shall we go into
the sala and have real music? Will you play?"
"I should love to," replied the husband.
Behold them then in the big drawing-room, and Aaron and the Marchese
practising together, and the Marchesa singing an Italian folk-song
while her husband accompanied her on the pianoforte. But her singing
was rather strained and forced. Still, they were quite a little
family, and it seemed quite nice. As soon as she could, the Marchesa
left the two men together, whilst she sat apart. Aaron and Manfredi
went through old Italian and old German music, tried one thing and
then another, and seemed quite like brothers. They arranged a piece
which they should play together on a Saturday morning, eight days
hence.
The next day, Saturday, Aaron went to one of the Del Torre music
mornings. There was a string quartette - and a violin soloist - and the
Marchese at the piano. The audience, some dozen or fourteen friends,
sat at the near end of the room, or in the smaller salotta, whilst the
musicians performed at the further end of the room. The Lillys were
there, both Tanny and her husband. But apart from these, Aaron knew
nobody, and felt uncomfortable. The Marchesa gave her guests little
sandwiches and glasses of wine or Marsala or vermouth, as they chose.
And she was quite the hostess: the well-bred and very simple, but still
the conventional hostess. Aaron did not like it. And he could see
that Lilly too was unhappy. In fact, the little man bolted the moment
he could, dragging after him the indignant Tanny, who was so looking
forward to the excellent little sandwiches. But no - Lilly just rudely
bolted. Aaron followed as soon as he could.
"Will you come to dinner tomorrow evening?" said his hostess to him as
he was leaving. And he agreed. He had really resented seeing her as
a conventional hostess, attending so charmingly to all the other people,
and treating him so merely as one of the guests, among many others. So
that when at the last moment she quietly invited him to dinner next
day, he was flattered and accepted at once.
The next day was Sunday - the seventh day after his coming together
with the Marchesa - which had taken place on the Monday. And already
he was feeling much less dramatic in his decision to keep himself
apart from her, to be merely friends. Already the memory of the
last time was fanning up in him, not as a warning but as a terrible
incitement. Again the naked desire was getting hold of him, with
that peculiar brutal powerfulness which startled him and also pleased
him.
So that by the time Sunday morning came, his recoil had exhausted
itself, and he was ready again, eager again, but more wary this time.
He sat in his room alone in the morning, playing his flute, playing
over from memory the tunes she loved, and imagining how he and she
would get into unison in the evening. His flute, his Aaron's rod,
would blossom once again with splendid scarlet flowers, the red
Florentine lilies. It was curious, the passion he had for her: just
unalloyed desire, and nothing else. Something he had not known in his
life before. Previously there had been always some personal quality,
some sort of personal tenderness. But here, none. She did not seem
to want it. She seemed to hate it, indeed. No, all he felt was stark,
naked desire, without a single pretension. True enough, his last
experience had been a warning to him. His desire and himself likewise
had broken rather disastrously under the proving. But not finally
broken. He was ready again. And with all the sheer powerful insolence
of desire he looked forward to the evening. For he almost expected
Manfredi would not be there. The officer had said something about having
to go to Padua on the Saturday afternoon.
So Aaron went skipping off to his appointment, at seven o'clock. Judge
of his chagrin, then, when he found already seated in the salotta an
elderly, quite well-known, very cultured and very well-connected
English authoress. She was charming, in her white hair and dress
of soft white wool and white lace, with a long chain of filigree gold
beads, like bubbles. She was charming in her old-fashioned manner
too, as if the world were still safe and stable, like a garden in
which delightful culture, and choice ideas bloomed safe from wind and
weather. Alas, never was Aaron more conscious of the crude collapse
in the world than when he listened to this animated, young-seeming
lady from the safe days of the seventies. All the old culture and
choice ideas seemed like blowing bubbles. And dear old Corinna Wade,
she seemed to be blowing bubbles still, as she sat there so charming
in her soft white dress, and talked with her bright animation about
the influence of woman in Parliament and the influence of woman in
the Periclean day. Aaron listened spell-bound, watching the bubbles
float round his head, and almost hearing them go pop.
To complete the party arrived an elderly litterateur who was more proud
of his not-very-important social standing than of his literature. In
fact he was one of those English snobs of the old order, living abroad.
Perfectly well dressed for the evening, his grey hair and his prim face
was the most well-dressed thing to be met in North Italy.
"Oh, so glad to see you, Mr. French. I didn't know you were in
Florence again. You make that journey from Venice so often. I
wonder you don't get tired of it," cried Corinna Wade.
"No," he said. "So long as duty to England calls me to Florence, I
shall come to Florence. But I can LIVE in no town but Venice."
"No, I suppose you can't. Well, there is something special about
Venice: having no streets and no carriages, and moving about in a
gondola. I suppose it is all much more soothing."
"Much less nerve-racking, yes. And then there is a quality in the
whole life. Of course I see few English people in Venice - only the
old Venetian families, as a rule."
"Ah, yes. That must be very interesting. They are very exclusive
still, the Venetian noblesse?" said Miss Wade.
"Oh, very exclusive," said Mr. French. "That is one of the charms.
Venice is really altogether exclusive. It excludes the world, really,
and defies time and modern movement. Yes, in spite of the steamers on
the canal, and the tourists."
"That is so. That is so. Venice is a strange back-water. And the
old families are very proud still, in these democratic days. They
have a great opinion of themselves, I am told."
"Well," said Mr. French. "Perhaps you know the rhyme:
"'Veneziano gran' Signore
Padovano buon' dotore.
Vicenzese mangia il gatto
Veronese tutto matto - -'"
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