Chapter 6
My state of mind regarding the pilfering from which I had been so
unexpectedly exonerated, did not impel me to frank disclosure;
but I hope it had some dregs of good at the bottom of it.
I do not recall that I felt any tenderness of conscience in reference
to Mrs Joe, when the fear of being found out was lifted off me.
But I loved Joe -- perhaps for no better reason in those early days
than because the dear fellow let me love him -- and, as to him, my
inner self was not so easily composed. It was much upon my mind
(particularly when I first saw him looking about for his file) that I
ought to tell Joe the whole truth. Yet I did not, and for the reason
that I mistrusted that if I did, he would think me worse than I
was. The fear of losing Joe's confidence, and of thenceforth sitting
in the chimney-corner at night staring drearily at my for ever lost
companion and friend, tied up my tongue. I morbidly represented
to myself that if Joe knew it, I never afterwards could see him at the
fireside feeling his fair whisker, without thinking that he was
meditating on it. That, if Joe knew it, I never afterwards could see
him glance, however casually, at yesterday's meat or pudding when
it came on to-day's table, without thinking that he was debating
whether I had been in the pantry. That, if Joe knew it, and at any
subsequent period of our joint domestic life remarked that his beer
was flat or thick, the conviction that he suspected Tar in it, would
bring a rush of blood to my face. In a word, I was too cowardly to
do what I knew to be right, as I had been too cowardly to avoid
doing what I knew to be wrong. I had had no intercourse with the
world at that time, and I imitated none of its many inhabitants who
act in this manner. Quite an untaught genius, I made the discovery
of the line of action for myself.
As I was sleepy before we were far away from the prison-ship,
Joe took me on his back again and carried me home. He must have
had a tiresome journey of it, for Mr Wopsle, being knocked up,
was in such a very bad temper that if the Church had been thrown
open, he would probably have excommunicated the whole expedi-
tion, beginning with Joe and myself. In his lay capacity, he per-
sisted in sitting down in the damp to such an insane extent, that
when his coat was taken off to be dried at the kitchen fire, the cir-
cumstantial evidence on his trousers would have hanged him if it
had been a capital offence.
By that time, I was staggering on the kitchen floor like a little
drunkard, through having been newly set upon my feet, and
through having been fast asleep, and through waking in the heat
and lights and noise of tongues. As I came to myself (with the aid of
a heavy thump between the shoulders, and the restorative exclama-
tion `Yah! Was there ever such a boy as this!' from my sister), I
found Joe telling them about the convict's confession, and all the
visitors suggesting different ways by which he had got into the
pantry. Mr Pumblechook made out, after carefully surveying the
premises, that he had first got upon the roof of the forge, and had
then got upon the roof of the house, and had then let himself down
the kitchen chimney by a rope made of his bedding cut into strips;
and as Mr Pumblechook was very positive and drove his own
chaise-cart -- over everybody -- it was agreed that it must be so.
Mr Wopsle, indeed, wildly cried out `No!' with the feeble malice of
a tired man; but, as he had no theory, and no coat on, he was un-
animously set at nought -- not to mention his smoking hard behind,
as he stood with his back to the kitchen fire to draw the damp out:
which was not calculated to inspire confidence.
This was all I heard that night before my sister clutched me, as a
slumberous offence to the company's eyesight, and assisted me up to
bed with such a strong hand that I seemed to have fifty boots on,
and to be dangling them all against the edges of the stairs. My
state of mind, as I have described it, began before I was up in the
morning, and lasted long after the subject had died out, and had
ceased to be mentioned saving on exceptional occasions.
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